(305): Bagel with cream cheese. It’s blowing my fucking mind.

(786): How high are you right now..

(305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

(412): I’m drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral. 

(515): Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We’d been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me “So this wasn’t exactly how I’d planned this but I thought I’d ask. How do you feel about oral sex?”

(812): No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.

(717): Fuck that. I’m not afraid to die. I’ll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet. 

(513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. 

(610): walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): fuucck i forgot ab her

(972): You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

(817):

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214):

I still make more money.

(920):

I mean i can’t really be mad…either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it’s basically a win/win situation.