(619):

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

(815): 

so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club

(269):

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

(513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. 

(610): walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): fuucck i forgot ab her

(301):

she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she’s lying

(618):

Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??

(305): Bagel with cream cheese. It’s blowing my fucking mind.

(786): How high are you right now..

(305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

(412): I’m drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral. 

(515): Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We’d been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me “So this wasn’t exactly how I’d planned this but I thought I’d ask. How do you feel about oral sex?”